Allo
Allo'Party Report'
This is the party report the editors of 'Floating
Power' did not want you to read !
Honest Guv ! No neo-nazi's Just a
bit of Pre-AGM harmless fun copying a popular TV series.
Photos by
Marcus and Diane Lasance. Text kindly contributed by Helen Brixton
and Graham Jones.
It may have taken us back to Britain's darkest hour but it was a truly brilliant evening for the TOC members present when a corner of an English field became, for a moment, foreign. For one night only a peaceful Leicestershire farmstead became that home of unbelievable gastronomic experience and watered down brandy; that hot-bed of espionage and sexual intrigue, the legendary Café René as immortalised in the television series 'Allo Allo'. In the space of an hour the tranquil tea rooms of Tumbledown Farm near Melton Mowbray were transformed; echoing to the melodic sound of accordion music, the heavy tread of jackboots and the tuneless shrill staccato of Madame Edith's singing.
Forty +++++ members attended the pre AGM social evening and, having received their Personal Identification, Zignature and Zecurity (PIZZ) papers in advance, came suitably dressed in character. French peasants, Resistance members, six escaping British airmen, five Yvettes, four Colonel ++++++, three Michelles, two Helgas, one Herr Flick and, of course, only one René Artois.
Ever the perfect host, René served wine to his guests which relaxed what could have been a tense situation between the differing factions. Finally an Italian officer arrived and the party was complete; Captain Alberto Bertorelli explained his late arrival with the comment 'Mama Mia, you-a try reversing a Traction all-a the way from Southampton!'
Just when the evening was going well a snap inspection of PIZZ papers by Herr Flick revealed that those of M. Alphonse the Undertaker were not in order. Not only had he left 'is 'earse and 'orse at home but his papers too. I, LeClerc, had supplied him with forgeries but sadly they were not good enough, PIZZ poor in fact, and he was taken away for interrogation. After an intense grilling (Gas Mk8 or 230ºC) in Herr Flick's office he was released on condition that he presented himself in front of a firing squad immediately after coffee.
On to the meal and another problem for René, how to serve food promptly to all his guests? The Germans soon provided a solution by arresting the waitresses, including the five Yvettes, who all thought they were having a night off; and putting them to work delivering food to the tables.
Then, what for most of us must have been the high spot of the evening, not a solo, not a duet, but a trio of Madame Ediths sang, as only they can, a variation on the theme of 'Favourite Things' from the 'Sound of Music'. Such spontaneity, such passion, how can I adequately describe their performance? Stunning, haunting, with a unique intensity of expression, it brought tears to the eyes of every true music lover! Later we were treated to a display of incredible skill and precision as a group of German Officers entertained with their version of the Hokey Cokey.
Of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies there was no sign. It is thought that the original and all the forgeries are now in the hands of private collectors. Serious art lovers will however be interested to learn of the discovery, concealed inside an enormous knockwurst sausage, of a painting of the Moaning Madonna by L. Dorado. The work of Leonardo Dorado, an artist of the Hannah-Barbara school, is less well known than that of his cousin Da Vinci. Whether it was his relative obscurity or doubts about authenticity, there were no serious offers for the canvas and both it and the knockwurst had once again disappeared by the end of the evening.
As our soirée drew to a close - tragedy struck; a stray bullet from the gun of an SS(?) Officer who had, incidentally, been displaying his weapon all evening, wounded Herr Flick. As the end seemed nigh he whispered those now famous words 'you may kiss me Helga'. Helga, described by Lieutenant Crabtree as 'a bog stripping luss', siezed the opportunity and Herr Flick lived to strut another day.
Seriously though, what a great night it was, thanks to Richard Hooley and Esther Asbury's organisation, to the staff of Tumbledown Farm who didn't know what hit them, to the musician, +++++++, and to everyone attending for entering fully into the spirit of the occasion.
As a post script to this report, on returning to his hotel Colonel Paul de Felice +++++ overheard a local resident in the bar describing the 'old black French car carrying two German Officers' which he had witnessed driving through the town earlier that evening. Still in uniform and realising that he had accidentally stumbled on a secret meeting of the Melton Underground Freedom Fighters (MUFFs) exchanging information on troop movements, Paul acted in accordance with the finest traditions of both the German Army and the TOC. He ordered the bar staff to lock the doors and to continue serving drinks until he completed his examination of the MUFFs and arrived at Sundays AGM on time looking only slightly worse for wear; such conduct surely deserves recognition at the highest level.
COMING SOON: For the many members who prefer to see more technical articles in Floating Power, Fraulein Helga Geerhart and Mlle Mimi le Bonq intend to collaborate on a contribution:- 'Traction Emergency Repairs, 69 Ways with French Lingerie', bet you can't wait!
Click on the link to view the image.
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Uploaded 12th January 1999